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No Lies, Just Love

You gave me beautiful memories and taught me valuable lessons about what it means to love someone. I loved you better than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I believe that that probably means I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I told you once that I only wanted good things for you, and you didn’t seem to believe me. It was true then, and even after everything that has happened between us, and as hurt as I’ve been, I still only want good things for you. Things are really bad right now, and as much as I wish I could reach for you because you are so strong and always make me feel so safe, I am staying away because I only want good things for you, and my feelings for you make it impossible for me not to fuck things up for you when you are with someone else. But even so, I still believe that I will always love you, and part of me will always be waiting for you.

Dear you,

I tried to write this out on paper and I couldn’t get the words to come out right… or even really to come out at all… because it reminded me too much of writing letters to you, and even if I sometimes ended up not sending them because I’d said more than I really intended to, I always started them intending to send them. But although part of me wants you to read this, I don’t think I can write this for you to read. I’ve been struggling with a couple of things that I know must seem contradictory but that I swear are both true.  you make me feel safer than anyone else I know, and when I was with you, I never worried about the things I normally worry about on dates. The things I can’t stop worrying about on dates, while I’m being honest with you. I never once worried that if I didn’t like, didn’t want, or wasn’t ready for something you did, you wouldn’t stop. I never had a reason to, but it’s more than that, because that’s the kind of thing I worry about whether I really have a reason to or not. There are very few men that I feel completely safe around, and you’re one of them. Despite this, I found myself hesitating when you wanted to know things about my relationship with my ex, in part because I had tried to tell you just about everything that I could remember about it before, and even though you’d said you would do your best to be a good listener, you failed miserably, and it hurt. I know you’re sorry that you did that, but it doesn’t make me less hesitant to risk that again.

I recently realized why relaxing while cuddling is so difficult for me, even when I really want to be held. During one of the last conversations I had with my ex, we had been arguing and I had finally decided that I needed to break up with him, and it needed to finally really be over because it was never going to change or get better. I finally realized that if I stayed it would just continue to get worse and worse. So I told him that I couldn’t be with somebody who hurt me and in whom I was afraid to confide. At first he just got angrier but when he couldn’t frighten me into staying, he decided he would change his tactic and he tried to calm me down and hold me. I remember breaking into a cold sweat and my hands shaking uncontrollably. This sudden attempt at gentleness was extremely unlike him and was a thousand times scarier than his anger, which was frightening enough on its own. Even though I crave gentleness, something about it is extremely unsettling to me.

I don’t know if remembering why this happens will make it easier to deal with in the future or not, but I do know that it’s not even worth trying with someone I can’t already trust not to hurt me, which leads me to believe I won’t be dating anyone anytime soon. Plus, honestly, I can’t see myself with anyone but you, and I still believe that you are worth the wait.

Writing exercise

He was the kind of man who could make a woman feel safe and giddy at the same time. His smile was exuberant, stretching too far across his face, as if his body could not contain his joy. He didn’t smile often, except for a near-constant sexy half smirk. It was as though he was all too aware of the power of his real smile. Surely he must have noticed that that smile dazzled everyone around him, leaving women slightly breathless and almost unable to speak.

[This is how I see you. I wonder if you’ll ever know it.]

Listening to “Hallelujah” in the middle of the night

“There was a time you let me know what’s real and going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?”

[I miss being close to you. I don’t think you miss me, so I guess it shouldn’t matter, but it does. I miss you holding me, I miss being able to think out loud in front of you, I miss how safe you make me feel, I miss comfortable silences with you, I miss you being able to practically finish my sentences because you know me so well, I miss your smile, I miss your hands in my hair, I miss how you looked at me like I was the more beautiful woman you’d ever seen. I just miss you.]

“But love is not a victory march. It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”