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Too many emotions

Considering buying Remember Me on amazon instant video. I always meant to see it but never got around to it. I know I could just buy it from Walmart or whatever but I kinda wanna watch it now and am not going to Walmart at 1 a.m. just to buy a movie when I’m already in pajamas.

(Just kidding, I never got out of pajamas today.)

But seriously, though.

And I’m tempted to buy Titanic on instant video too, but I know I want the blu rayfor it, so I’m going to wait on that one.

Also I collaged/painted a fall fairy in my art journal today. The only thing I don’t like about it is that the magazine image I used for her head was a little bigger than what I had sketched out so now it sort of looks like she has no neck. It looked fine when I laid the image down to check its position but when I glued it.. no neck. And by the time I realized the problem, the glue had dried.

But her dress and the background turned out really awesome.

I miss my mom. And part of me thinks that the reason I haven’t been in any hurry to graduate is because she won’t be there. And I think that’s part of the reason I never want to get married. When it comes to major changes in my life, sometimes it feels like… what’s the point if she can’t see it? And also I have this nagging feeling that she wouldn’t be proud of me if she could see me now and it makes me feel bad but at the same time, I like the person I am becoming, even if she wouldn’t.

…I think maybe grief would be easier if I really believed in an afterlife, but I don’t anymore. It’s been four and a half years since my mom died and some days it feels like it was yesterday. Today is one of those days, thanks to a particularly heartbreaking september 11ths tribute.

I have too many feelings today, and I just want to hug my kitty.

I’ll have some artsy pictures up soon. I’ve been making some really cool stuff.

My first canvas

I did a painting on canvas for the first time today! I’m so proud of myself. I was kind of afraid to paint on canvas because, compared to a journal, canvas is expensive. But I found a 2 pack of 8×10 canvases at walmart for cheap and have been painting enough in my art journal that I felt like I could paint something I would like.

Dear you,

I keep dreaming about you and it makes me miss you even more. I keep wanting to talk to you–about just about anything, really. I want to hold your hand. I want to show you my art. And I think I’m finally ready to talk to you about my ex. I think I had to figure some things out on my own before I could talk about it and now that I have I could tell you the things you wanted to know. I guess I just have to wait and hope I get another chance.

Guess who has wedding fever?

I do!

I, uh, may have tried on wedding dresses today. Despite having no reason to do so. We were there to look at bridesmaid dresses, I swear, but then we got bored.  I found the perfect  wedding dress. It was lace and had a sweetheart neckline and hugged my curves while minimizing my stomach. It was fabulous.

It was this one. Did I mention it was perfect?

I also tried on this one. I would have tried on more dresses but apparently you’re supposed to have a consultant, and after my aunt and I had been trying on dresses for about an hour and a half, someone finally decided to tell us that we were supposed to sign in and have a consultant help us put on and take off dresses.

 

Day Off

Today was my day off. I finished reading A Tale of Two Castles by Gail Carson Levine, started reading The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate by Jacqueline Kelly, went to the bookstore, and saw Brave. Brave was fabulous and I was probably more excited to see it than any grown woman should be, but I am perfectly fine with that.

Also, last time I got paid, I ordered some things from Lush, and it finally came Friday. So far, I have used the Dark Angels cleanser and half of the Geo Phyzz bath bomb, which I love. I’ve also got a bubble bar and another bath bomb. The order came with a catalog and now I want everything from them.

Another big piece of news. I bought a typewriter from the thrift store. I am so excited, but I hate how loud it is and how slow I have to type because I am prone to typos. But I really like having a way to add words to my journal pages and collages that don’t involve my handwriting or a printer.

It’s so very hot here. I feel like I’m melting.

No Lies, Just Love

You gave me beautiful memories and taught me valuable lessons about what it means to love someone. I loved you better than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I believe that that probably means I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I told you once that I only wanted good things for you, and you didn’t seem to believe me. It was true then, and even after everything that has happened between us, and as hurt as I’ve been, I still only want good things for you. Things are really bad right now, and as much as I wish I could reach for you because you are so strong and always make me feel so safe, I am staying away because I only want good things for you, and my feelings for you make it impossible for me not to fuck things up for you when you are with someone else. But even so, I still believe that I will always love you, and part of me will always be waiting for you.

Sad News

I got some really sad news at work today. My boss, who I love, took a leave of absence a couple of weeks ago for a lot of reasons. One of those reasons is that she had to have her appendix removed. They found cancer and aren’t sure how far it’s spread. She will have to have part of her colon removed so they can determine how far it’s spread and then she may have to have chemo.

On the bright side, after I left work I went to the thrift store. I bought a typewriter (that works!) for $10. Bless thrift stores.