Dear you,

You were the first person who made me feel like I was good for something after i was abused for so long by someone who said he loved me. You looked at me like you thought I was beautiful, so I started to believe that I was. You were the first person I really told. I mean I had mentioned it before to Ranna and Eric, but you were the first person who wanted details and who I believed could handle it. But when I told you, you were “appalled that I didn’t talk about it” and thought that I have issues and therefore that I’m not good enough for you. In retrospect, I realize that that really may not have been the reason you decided you weren’t interested in me anymore. It may have just been that you could tell that I was falling for you and you were scared because you weren’t ready for a relationship yet. But you made it about that and that fucking hurt. It STILL hurts, in fact, and I wish that I could have believed you when you said you don’t look down on me because of it, but it feels like you do. And when you touched me, I liked it and wanted it, but my body doesn’t always behave the way I want it to. Even when I want to be touched and held, I can’t always make myself relax, even with you, and I know there’s no way you will hurt me (physically, at least. Emotionally? Well, that’s another story.) It’s the cruelest, most awful thing about being a survivor of sexual abuse, I think—not being able to make my body do what I want it to when it comes to intimacy. And none of that is your fault, and it actually has nothing to do with you, but I wanted you to know.  And even with all of that hurt, I’m still in love with you because no one else has ever made me feel beautiful, and I don’t know how to let it go.




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