Tag Archive | death

Too many emotions

Considering buying Remember Me on amazon instant video. I always meant to see it but never got around to it. I know I could just buy it from Walmart or whatever but I kinda wanna watch it now and am not going to Walmart at 1 a.m. just to buy a movie when I’m already in pajamas.

(Just kidding, I never got out of pajamas today.)

But seriously, though.

And I’m tempted to buy Titanic on instant video too, but I know I want the blu rayfor it, so I’m going to wait on that one.

Also I collaged/painted a fall fairy in my art journal today. The only thing I don’t like about it is that the magazine image I used for her head was a little bigger than what I had sketched out so now it sort of looks like she has no neck. It looked fine when I laid the image down to check its position but when I glued it.. no neck. And by the time I realized the problem, the glue had dried.

But her dress and the background turned out really awesome.

I miss my mom. And part of me thinks that the reason I haven’t been in any hurry to graduate is because she won’t be there. And I think that’s part of the reason I never want to get married. When it comes to major changes in my life, sometimes it feels like… what’s the point if she can’t see it? And also I have this nagging feeling that she wouldn’t be proud of me if she could see me now and it makes me feel bad but at the same time, I like the person I am becoming, even if she wouldn’t.

…I think maybe grief would be easier if I really believed in an afterlife, but I don’t anymore. It’s been four and a half years since my mom died and some days it feels like it was yesterday. Today is one of those days, thanks to a particularly heartbreaking september 11ths tribute.

I have too many feelings today, and I just want to hug my kitty.

I’ll have some artsy pictures up soon. I’ve been making some really cool stuff.

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[TFIOS Spoilers ahead] Dear John Green,

I’ve been reading your answers to questions about TFIOS, and although I don’t have a question, there is something I would very much like to tell you. Four years ago, my mother died. And since then, I have been struggling with the feeling that I don’t have a mom anymore. When I read the part where Hazel overhears her mom saying that she won’t be a mom anymore, it broke my heart. I started sobbing–like, can’t see the words on the page anymore sobbing. Even though my dad is still living, I have somewhat felt like an orphan ever since my mom died, like just because she isn’t here and I can’t see her or talk to her, I don’t have a mom anymore. But Hazel’s mom’s realization that as long as either one of them is alive, she is still Hazel’s mom was immensely comforting and helpful for me. Knowing that my mom is still my mom as long as I am alive makes it a little easier to be without her, and I don’t know that I would have realized that without TFIOS. So thank you for writing this amazing book, and thank you for being unafraid to tackle difficult subjects.