Too many emotions

Considering buying Remember Me on amazon instant video. I always meant to see it but never got around to it. I know I could just buy it from Walmart or whatever but I kinda wanna watch it now and am not going to Walmart at 1 a.m. just to buy a movie when I’m already in pajamas.

(Just kidding, I never got out of pajamas today.)

But seriously, though.

And I’m tempted to buy Titanic on instant video too, but I know I want the blu rayfor it, so I’m going to wait on that one.

Also I collaged/painted a fall fairy in my art journal today. The only thing I don’t like about it is that the magazine image I used for her head was a little bigger than what I had sketched out so now it sort of looks like she has no neck. It looked fine when I laid the image down to check its position but when I glued it.. no neck. And by the time I realized the problem, the glue had dried.

But her dress and the background turned out really awesome.

I miss my mom. And part of me thinks that the reason I haven’t been in any hurry to graduate is because she won’t be there. And I think that’s part of the reason I never want to get married. When it comes to major changes in my life, sometimes it feels like… what’s the point if she can’t see it? And also I have this nagging feeling that she wouldn’t be proud of me if she could see me now and it makes me feel bad but at the same time, I like the person I am becoming, even if she wouldn’t.

…I think maybe grief would be easier if I really believed in an afterlife, but I don’t anymore. It’s been four and a half years since my mom died and some days it feels like it was yesterday. Today is one of those days, thanks to a particularly heartbreaking september 11ths tribute.

I have too many feelings today, and I just want to hug my kitty.

I’ll have some artsy pictures up soon. I’ve been making some really cool stuff.

My first canvas

I did a painting on canvas for the first time today! I’m so proud of myself. I was kind of afraid to paint on canvas because, compared to a journal, canvas is expensive. But I found a 2 pack of 8×10 canvases at walmart for cheap and have been painting enough in my art journal that I felt like I could paint something I would like.

Dear you,

I keep dreaming about you and it makes me miss you even more. I keep wanting to talk to you–about just about anything, really. I want to hold your hand. I want to show you my art. And I think I’m finally ready to talk to you about my ex. I think I had to figure some things out on my own before I could talk about it and now that I have I could tell you the things you wanted to know. I guess I just have to wait and hope I get another chance.

Guess who has wedding fever?

I do!

I, uh, may have tried on wedding dresses today. Despite having no reason to do so. We were there to look at bridesmaid dresses, I swear, but then we got bored.  I found the perfect  wedding dress. It was lace and had a sweetheart neckline and hugged my curves while minimizing my stomach. It was fabulous.

It was this one. Did I mention it was perfect?

I also tried on this one. I would have tried on more dresses but apparently you’re supposed to have a consultant, and after my aunt and I had been trying on dresses for about an hour and a half, someone finally decided to tell us that we were supposed to sign in and have a consultant help us put on and take off dresses.

 

Day Off

Today was my day off. I finished reading A Tale of Two Castles by Gail Carson Levine, started reading The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate by Jacqueline Kelly, went to the bookstore, and saw Brave. Brave was fabulous and I was probably more excited to see it than any grown woman should be, but I am perfectly fine with that.

Also, last time I got paid, I ordered some things from Lush, and it finally came Friday. So far, I have used the Dark Angels cleanser and half of the Geo Phyzz bath bomb, which I love. I’ve also got a bubble bar and another bath bomb. The order came with a catalog and now I want everything from them.

Another big piece of news. I bought a typewriter from the thrift store. I am so excited, but I hate how loud it is and how slow I have to type because I am prone to typos. But I really like having a way to add words to my journal pages and collages that don’t involve my handwriting or a printer.

It’s so very hot here. I feel like I’m melting.

No Lies, Just Love

You gave me beautiful memories and taught me valuable lessons about what it means to love someone. I loved you better than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I believe that that probably means I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I told you once that I only wanted good things for you, and you didn’t seem to believe me. It was true then, and even after everything that has happened between us, and as hurt as I’ve been, I still only want good things for you. Things are really bad right now, and as much as I wish I could reach for you because you are so strong and always make me feel so safe, I am staying away because I only want good things for you, and my feelings for you make it impossible for me not to fuck things up for you when you are with someone else. But even so, I still believe that I will always love you, and part of me will always be waiting for you.

Sad News

I got some really sad news at work today. My boss, who I love, took a leave of absence a couple of weeks ago for a lot of reasons. One of those reasons is that she had to have her appendix removed. They found cancer and aren’t sure how far it’s spread. She will have to have part of her colon removed so they can determine how far it’s spread and then she may have to have chemo.

On the bright side, after I left work I went to the thrift store. I bought a typewriter (that works!) for $10. Bless thrift stores.

Shower Revelation

While I was in the shower just now, I realized something. Whenever it feels like my creative gremlins have come out to gang up on me and make me feel like I will never be able to make anything again, it’s not really about being in a creative slump. Often, I have discovered, it’s about the fact that I’m avoiding dealing with something I should be dealing with. Because, if my journal is what I tell myself it is, meaning if it really is a place where anything goes, then the bad stuff needs to go in it, too. Part of the problem, I think, is that I have trouble really believing that the things I create don’t have to be pretty. If I’m dealing with the negative things in my life, I don’t think that the pages that result out of them should necessarily be “pretty” because then that doesn’t feel honest, but I have a hard time purposely making pages that aren’t pretty.

Hmm. A dilemma I don’t have an answer for.

Creative Gremlins

We all have creative gremlins. You know, those voices in your head that tell you that art is worthless and useless and yours in particular is pathetic. Today, my creative gremlins are ganging up on me, telling me that I suck and that I will never make anything again and why am I wasting money and time? I know I should do something, even if it’s just gessoing pages, to spite these gremlins but I feel so bad that I just want to eat chocolate and watch Netflix and let the gremlins win.

I had an exceptionally productive day yesterday so I guess I’m due for a slump, but man, this sucks.

Today

I am officially a person who has more than one art journal. I’m getting tired of wasting paint when I end up not using everything on my palette for a page so I scraped the rest of it onto a page in another moleskine while I waited for my other page to dry. Also I did some doodling, which was oddly liberating. I’ve got three journal pages in progress right now, and I’m not sure any of them will be finished before I go to bed. But y’all should be proud of me; I got over whatever was making me feel like I couldn’t paint over cardstock and did a light layer of paint over some scrapbook paper, followed by some distress ink. It looks really cool!

I did a bunch of shopping today. I got a couple art journaling books full of techniques and prompts and stuff, a bunch of body wash from bath and body works (sales, woo!) and a bunch of stuff from hobby lobby, including a couple of things of distress ink (which I am now in love with. Where has this stuff been all my life and how did I ever journal without it?) and a paper trimmer (yay! no more awkwardly cut cardstock.)

Also dad and I tried a new pizza place for lunch (it was amazing. also cheap. also the slices of pizza were freaking huge.) and saw Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, which wasn’t what I wanted to see. I wanted to see Brave or Rock of Ages, but dad wanted to see either the new Adam Sandler movie, which I absolutely refused to see, or Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. It was an okay movie as long as you didn’t take anything about it seriously. I still found myself rolling my eyes a few times. It was violent and completely ridiculous but also kind of entertaining.